Here is a little glimpse of some of the birthday fun we had this week, celebrating our 4 year old blessing, Natalie Kaylen.
More to come soon!
I discovered a beautiful worship song recently, and so I have been meditating on this truth that my heart so often forgets.
It is well with my soul – because of Who You Are – it is well.
Despite my feelings, current circumstances, physical condition – all of it, it is well with my soul . Because nothing can separate me from the love of God demonstrated through Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Nothing.
It will always be well. A permanent condition. Another unchangeable in a life of flux and what often feels like chaos. Another pillar of truth to cling to in Jesus Christ.
As much as I have not ‘enjoyed’ trying to roll out of bed at 5:45 each morning, I can already sense the difference in my days after spending intentional time in the Lord’s presence.
Insert Disclaimer:
(About 3 months ago, the Lord laid on my heart that I needed to get up before my family and spend time with Him, in prayer, getting into the Word, journaling and in praise and worship – really whatever each specific morning lends itself to. This was a HUGE step for me, as (1) I am not a morning person. at. all. Ever. The only thing I enjoy about the morning is coffee – and I’ll take coffee whenever, so you can have the morning. (2) This has not been my first or even 10th or maybe even 100th attempt to try to do this before, without success. So along with this prompting came a host of doubts and memories of the guilt that came along with not following through on this goal. (3) My babies are early risers, so to get up before them means EARLY.)
However, all this to say, the Lord continues to impress this on my heart, and as He has been showing me more of how to receive His grace and differentiate guilt versus conviction in my life, I knew that it was time. It was gonna be messy and I was going to sleep through my alarm, probably a lot, and I would just have to continue to try and try again. More nails into the coffin of my perfectionism and how much I hate trying things I don’t feel like I can do well.
Once again, the message of imperfect progress. One more morning that I get into the Word is one more than before – and God’s Word promises to never come back void and it is living and active and will change me each and every single time I meditate on it.
So, just in case any of you may be tempted to picture this nice little scenario where I’m quickly jumping out of bed, singing and dancing my way to the kitchen where I am intently pouring over the Bible, please let me set the record straight. It is more like an inspired stumble to the kitchen where I POUR my cup of coffee and desperately pray that God will use it to wake me up to meet with Him. )
So, back to spending time in the Lord’s Presence. Really, He’s always there – I am always in His presence. He is not more here with me at 5:45 at the kitchen table than when I am still cozy in my bed. So, really – I guess a better way of stating it is acknowledging His Presence and intentionally seeking to meet Him where He already is, right here with me, asking Him to tune my eyes and ears to His Word and voice.
However you want to word it, it’s been good. Different than I expected, but most things are with the Lord when I am surrendering control. Which is always good -less of me and more of Him and His direction and orchestration.
I am handing over the shovel and the paint brush and every other constructive tool that I have so often tried to wield myself in response to the lie that I have believed for so long – that I need to perfect my faith, perfect myself. And when I do that, I deny the truth that what Jesus did on the cross was sufficient – as if something was still left to do.
But He is the Author and Perfector of my faith. In Jesus Christ, I am already accepted and completely embraced. I do not need to do anything else – no other change is required because of what Jesus Christ has done for me to be accepted and acceptable.
Period. Let me sit here and take that in. That is the end of the sentence. There are no other conjunctions to add any other independent clauses (like that, fellow grammar junkies?).
It is finished. Like Jesus said on the cross, it is finished in my life as well. I am accepted. Period. No better, exclamation point! What a glorious punctuation.
And if I will be completely honest, something seems so terribly wrong with this. I guess because I have been deceived for so long – even though I ‘knew’ the right answer, I am not sure I really, truly believed it for myself. No, I’m not sure I believe it. Present tense. This is still very much a process for me.
Humbling. Why is it so hard for me?
Lord, help my unbelief.
This is where God’s grace is so scandalous – that there is nothing I can do to earn or even return the immense favor. Even if I try, my works are like filthy rags. (Isaiah 64:6) And worse, if I try from the belief that I need to do it, it flies right in the face of the gracious offer. The only thing I can truly do is receive it (and ask the Lord to help me even do that), and then try to surrender the rest of my life to Him…daily, moment by moment, handing over these tools.
It is here that I believe I need to make a distinction because it is here that I have been so deceived. My status in Jesus Christ has nothing at all to do with my sanctification – His continuing perfecting of me and forming me more into His image. Sanctification is dependent on my relationship with Jesus – as He is the One that is setting me apart for His Purposes and changing me from the inside out – not the other way around. My salvation is not dependent on anything but Jesus’ death and resurrection.
For me, salvation and sanctification had become wrongly intertwined…a tangled mess that has wreaked havoc in my heart and life (and the lives of those around me).
Yes, there are definitely some kinks in my heart and my life that need to be worked out – lies I’ve believed that I need to be uncovered, perspective shifts and focus changes, broken relationships – areas that need freedom from the bondage of lies and deception and just my plain ‘ole sinful self.
In the past, I would survey these ‘kinks’ (what I could see) and start to strategize on what to attack first, determining what needed to change and how, all the while subconsciously connecting this to my status in Christ. And once again I pick up the tools of perfectionism and start going after it, believing it’s up to me to fix, and quickly because I didn’t feel secure in the Lord’s love because my imperfect condition. This awful, subtle lie that even though I am saved, God’s love for me and wholehearted acceptance of me was dependent on my sanctification.
And it’s taken me until now to be brave enough to admit that I have believed that there was still something I needed to do. That His sacrifice wasn’t enough.
I hate even putting it out there – seeing it bold and black against this white computer screen. My head screams no and I doubt that I will ever really post this.
But this is what my life has said, despite what my mouth and even written words have claimed. My life has spoken that I still needed to do more, be more.
Lord, I am so sorry. I repent, to the best of my ability, and ask that you help my unbelief. Help me to know how intimately I am loved by You, accepted and embraced and totally secure in what Your sacrifice afforded me – a path to be connected to God the Father and You forever, receiving the deposit of the Holy Spirit now to continue to do what I cannot. I can even choose to rejoice in my weaknesses and shortcomings – my quick temper and laziness and judgmental tendencies (because if I cannot accept myself and believe I am accepted, I have been subconsciously holding everyone else up to the same measuring stick I have been wielding against myself) – I can choose to rejoice in this because it’s one more opportunity to see that You offer me grace and mercy and forgiveness every single day. Freedom. There is such freedom in that.
Imperfect progress.
A beautiful mess and method.
With this deception brought into the light, this is where real change can begin. Now, standing in light of some of the things I have feared to admit to myself, let alone anyone else – I can choose to cling to these glorious truths.
“But if we (I) walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us (me) from all sin. If we (I) say we (I) have no sin, we (I) deceive ourselves (myself), and the truth is not in us (me). If we (I) confess our (my) sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us (me) our (my) sins and to cleanse us (me) from all unrighteousness.” – 1 John 1:7-9
And as I think of these truths, I recognize the importance for me to personalize these verses, claiming that they are meant for me, not just the general ‘we’ as believers. ‘We’ has afforded an unnecessary separation from God’s truth in my heart for too long. I’m ready to claim them for myself.
“that He who began a good work in you (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 1:6
He will do it!
“fixing our (my) eyes on Jesus, the Pioneer and Perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:2
He did what needed to be done – the cross – and He will continue to do what needs to be done in me through the Holy Spirit. I just need to choose to fix my eyes on Him and believe it.
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us (me) from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our (my) fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us (me) from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us (me) from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-38
Not even the fact that I continue to fail and doubt and question, those knee-jerk reactions to grasp at those tools that offer me relief through the lie that I can in fact do something when truthfully I cannot.
“Apart from Me, you can do nothing.” – John 15:5
How long has that verse been on my mantle? 5 months now? You’d think I would start to get the idea.
All I can do is ask for help.
And He is faithful to respond.
Hello, my name is Jenny and I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has a slow and deceived heart. And I am dearly loved and irrevocably accepted.
Amen.
Thanks for letting me share.
“So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His Name
It is well with my soul” – It Is Well, Bethel Music
“And so my message to you is never: be better. I kind of wish we’d stop obsessing about improving ourselves all the time. I’m simply suggesting that maybe you can show up for life as you are. Maybe you don’t need to wait till you have it “all together” to follow your dreams and serve other people. I’m worried that if you wait ‘till you or your people are less messy to start showing up – you’ll never show up. Because life never, ever stops being messy. It’s messy the whole way through. And so I think we gotta show up in the middle of the mess.” -Glennon Melton
“If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.” -Ecclesiastes 11:4
I read this blog post this morning, and it started a really interesting train of thought for me. One of which I’d love for you to join in the discussion, if you have an opinion.
On the surface, I’ve never balked at the idea of trying to be the best ‘me’ there can be. I am all about growing and making progress, in the Lord.
But I recognize how tricky that can be and how easily we can loose sight of those 3 crucial words -‘in the Lord’ – how easy it is to keep the focus about what Jesus wants to produce in me.
Maybe I am not the only one?
I believe that the distinction that needs to be made here is that there is nothing wrong or harmful with pursuing growth and change and ‘improvement,’ if Jesus is the One leading and guiding it and showing me the ideals to pursue.
Otherwise, I believe there is a subtle lie that slips in, and plants the seed that we are not acceptable as we are. And just like the work of the great Deceiver, there is some truth in this. We are not acceptable by God’s standard just as we are. That is why Jesus came, sacrificed Himself, rose again, and offers us the forgiveness and righteousness we need.
BUT in Him, oh yes, we are accepted – open-armed embraced and all. The Father running out to meet us as we shamefully approach. Crazily adored. Enough.
But if I am not secure in this truth, rooted and grounded in Jesus’ love for me personally (not just the world as a whole), then any attempts I am making towards change can easily entangle me, whispering lies that I need to be different. And the focus turns on me. me. me. me.
And if the focus is on me, than it’s not Jesus’ work in me anymore. It’s my futile attempts to create whatever it is that I’m believing is needed. (Let’s call a spade a spade. This is idolatry.)
And Jenny is not called to be creator. There is already One.
“The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it?” – Jeremiah 17:9
This is not about “self-improvement” here. There is nothing this self has to offer anyone, including me, other than a very selfish, sin nature. I can pursue lies all day long, grasping and straining and striving to attain whatever ideal that I’ve deemed worthy, that will offer me what I’m missing. And I stop pursuing the One that is Who I’m missing.
And something awful, something horribly ugly happens in this, that breaks my heart. When I do not accept that I am accepted completely by grace, then I am in turn believing that Jesus’ death and resurrection are not enough, that I still need to add something to that.
And this then sends the message to others around me that they are also unacceptable. My striving, my inability to accept myself even though I am already forgiven and accepted by the One that matters most, tells others around me that they need to change, too.
That grace is not enough.
That the work is not finished.
Things I would never, ever speak to others, words I would never choose, but by believing these lies, my actions communicate the worst.
And my life becomes a message against the gospel of Jesus Christ.
“For I have often told you, and now say again with tears, that many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.” – Philippians 3:8
This is serious.
Lord, please forgive the ways my ignorance, insecurity, and deception has conveyed anything other than Your truth to others around me.
If I stopped here, where the enemy would like me to stay and linger and take up residence, then only despair would remain.
But there is Hope in Jesus Christ. Despite how I have been and am still hideously deceived, He still remains faithful to reveal Himself and His truth to me.
And so instead of trying to fix in order to become, He asks me to remain so that He can produce life in me. (John 15:1-5)
And so when I take up my residence in His Love and Acceptance, that’s when He directs me towards a change that He wants to make in my life (emphasis on His initiation and follow-through in this process), and this does not threaten my sense of belonging and security in Him. Hebrews 12 states that He disciplines (or corrects) those He loves and considers His sons and daughters. Not that he is considering to adopt, but those that He has already received as His own. Done. The papers were signed by the blood of Jesus Christ on the cross.
SO – if this is where change begins, if my focus is on the Lord, and I am
abiding,
dwelling,
taking up residence in Him and remaining, (still discovering and trying to find the wonderful, awesome meaning of this),
then I can start to sense the areas that He would have me
step out,
tweak,
change,
or release.
This is the distinction that has to be made, this type of improvement, the Spirit-led stuff.
Jesus, in me, the Hope of Glory. That’s the good stuff. That’s the stuff that is transforming me daily, whether I or anyone else can see it.
(Thank you, Jesus, for Your faithfulness. You will not forsake the work of Your hands.)
I can look back at different seasons of my life and see the ideals that I chose to pursue – things that appear honorable and good and worthy. But were lies without Jesus. Images of gold that I was shaping instead of waiting for the Message that was coming down the mountain.
Jesus is the Founder and Perfector of my faith, the Initiator and the One that then does the work in me. He chooses the ideals and then moves me towards them, with Him. Because it really is all about Him and being with Him, in relationship. Never about me or what needs to happen in me, as the end goal. But about His Work. His Purpose. His Glory.
And the awesome thing about this truth, that runs totally counter-cultural to what we hear every single day in media and through other voices around us, is that we don’t lose anything when it’s all about Him. There is no slight here. No one has left baby in the corner. His love doesn’t leave you out, ever.
His love lets us just be.
Accepted.
Loved.
Not striving to cover up our faults or make ourselves more presentable.
We can just be, and be in Him.
And we can let others just be. And introduce them to Jesus, to be in Him.
And then that is where change happens. Not because we’re unacceptable. But because we’re loved and He moves us more into love and what we were really intended to be. His.
(I love how the Lord will faithfully bring varying resources on my path to speak and confirm His truth to me. This song was a lovely confirmation to me and a great reminder to remain in His hands.)
Healing Is In Your Hands, Christy Nockels