I think that most of my life I have been praying prayers and then avoiding God’s answers.

“Lord, grant me boldness.”
And then I shy away from the next ‘new’ thing along my path that requires change or stepping out of my comfort zone.

“Lord, give me the ability to see this person like you do.”
And then I resist the trial that offers brokenness, so that I can relate in empathy and compassion to those that are hurting around me, better understanding why they may lash out in anger or put up walls out of distrust.

“Lord, I want to fear You and not man.”
And I mourn the lack of acceptance and esteem that I receive from others, choosing to stay in self-pity, instead of allowing it to be a vehicle to reveal to me how I wrongly prioritize those things in my life and how God desires that I desire to please Him above all else.

I have been asking God to see His goodness in the land of the living, and then rejecting His good gifts that He offers me:

Discipline.
Brokenness.
Pointing out my sin so that I can accept His grace and forgiveness in it, and move past it.
Redemption.

I need kingdom eyes to recognize God’s gifts for what they are, kindness towards me.

“It’s Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance.” -Kindness, Chris Tomlin

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” -Romans 2:4

The Lord, in His everlasting love and compassion for me, chooses to reveal my sin to me so that He can restore me to wholeness. He could leave me in my mess. He could leave me in deception and dysfunction, where I’ve grown accustomed to the dim lighting and cloudy view. It’s where I’ve been most comfortable, getting used to the scenery and losing sight of any other possible reality. But in His fierce love for me, He uses His Word, His Spirit, and His children to show me that there is more.

In His Kindness, He offers crushing blows to my pride, feeling like He is killing my very self. Which He is.
It feels personal. Because it is. Very personal.

This sin that I hold onto so tightly, wrapped in excuses and pretext, that has so tightly enmeshed itself with my identity, threatens to keep me back from the abundant life that Jesus offers me. It affects the way that I view myself, and the enemy whispers to my heart that this is just who I am – broken and incapable of being anything different.

And this is true -I am incapable of being anything different by myself – but the enemy presents this as the whole story.

But Praise Jesus it is not! There is more. There is Hope. That is just the beginning. My hopelessness is a needed ingredient for what is about to be revealed.

But the enemy doesn’t want me to turn the page, to see and focus on what God has done for me by sending His Son on the cross.

Jesus has extended salvation in the next life, and in this one, a salvation from the trap of sin.
Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I am now forgiven. I’ve been made new. I am wholly different.

It’s just the beginning.

So when sin is revealed to me, I can choose to see it as God’s loving kindness towards me and quickly agree with Him on what it is. The first step of repentance. And thank Him for eyes to recognize it for what it is. Because without Him, I don’t know how to distinguish good from bad.

My huge take-away:
The prison doors have been opened. It’s time for me to get up and allow Jesus to take off the grave clothes I’ve been wearing, and let me walk in this new life that He has given me. These grave clothes -the lies that still permeate my thoughts and my theology – that shroud my perspective and keep me believing that I am my old self. But I’m not! Hallelujah!

I am new – totally different. I am a new creation. The old has passed away. I now can choose life over death, truth over lies. I no longer have to fall into unhealthy behavioral patterns, pursue old ambitions, default to my flesh. I can choose to submit to the Holy Spirit and ask for help. For refreshment. For His eyes. For His heart. For His mind.

And He is faithful to give me, give us, His good gifts. He wants me to see things as He does, to desire what He desires, to think on things above, not on earthly things. He honors the requests because they echo His prayers for me.

But I also have to ask for eyes to recognize His answers for what they are – the trials that test my faith and refine me, the pruning that allows for greater growth and healthier spiritual fruit, and even the cross that He offers me daily. By taking up my cross, I am agreeing with God that my flesh must die in order for me to receive the full, abundant life He offers me today – through new mercies and through trusting in His ways, that they are good gifts.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.“ – James 1:17

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” -Matthew 7:11

I had a very poignant moment recently one morning at church. Each week, we have the opportunity to participate in what they refer to as “The Table,” a sweet time of remembering how Jesus sacrificed Himself on the cross for my sins, the new life I now have in Jesus, and the unhindered relationship I have with God because my sin no longer separates me from Him.

It has personally taken some getting used to, having the opportunity to take communion every week. I grew up in a church where this was something saved for certain times of the year, with the intention (I believe) that it be reserved as a very purposeful and intentional act. So, when I was presented with the chance to do this weekly, I didn’t quite know how to process that, and trust that it wouldn’t become something more routine and less meaningful.

This is still a process for me, but one that I gladly receive as an opportunity to examine my heart and to be reminded of the truth of the Gospel, that I so badly need to think on and receive each and every day. And also an opportunity to learn how to receive it with joy and gladness and even celebration, which somehow feels sacrilegious to me, because I have also associated ‘The Lord’s supper’ as a somber act. But because of this amazing act on Jesus’ part, I can rejoice in what it means for me now – and the fact that He is not dead! He is alive and living inside of me!

So, back to the other morning. I was just sitting back down in my seat, with the little juice cup and piece of bread, and spilled the grape juice on my hands and some fell on my high heel. And in that moment, the Holy Spirit gave me an image of a message that He’s been whispering to my heart for a while now.

‘This is going to be messy. Communion with Me – choosing My life and My ways – is going to look messy.’

Communion with Jesus, to me, is about heading into waters that I cannot handle without Him. No – it’s about acknowledging that there are NO waters that I can handle without Him, and that my best attempt to tackle the waves I face is really just me treading water. (Treading water – to be active, but without making progress or falling farther behind.) This is exactly what my attempts at perfecting my own life and trying my best to perfectly obey the Lord have been.

Part of this, for me, is recognizing and choosing to let go of the lie that I need to feel fully prepared and ready before I take the first step into the water (as if I was going alone), instead of trusting that God is with me, that He is fully qualified to tackle any obstacle I will face, and that ultimately this journey is more about me staying connected to Him (abiding) than about anything ‘accomplished’ through my life, messy looking or  not.

Truth – His presence equips me for any wave I will face.

Until recently, messy to me has equaled bad, an indication that something has gone wrong, that I missed some instruction somewhere and that’s why things aren’t falling into place in a nice and tidy manner. Therefore, messy meant being out of step with the Lord, as thought it was an indicator of the lack of His presence or at least intimacy with Him. In fact, I still think messy is bad in some ways. I like order and structure and when things have their place. (cue perfectionism to center stage)

But the truth is, mess has it’s place. I just haven’t made room for it in my life. It is not welcome or warmly received. (Ugh, even as I type this I recognize the awfulness of this statement.)

No wonder I have struggled believing that I am accepted? Who better than God knows what an utter mess I am than myself?

Grace. Thankful that Jesus has spoken that word over my life by the cross.

So the Lord is talking to me about ‘making room’ for mess in my life.  And with that, His grace. When I acknowledge what is already there (a whole bunch of mess) and purposefully release my attempts at changing myself, that is when I can receive God’s grace. Because I have been living a life of half-surrender (if that is even possible), still trying to control and manage my life ‘for God’, which truthfully are nothing but filthy rags. (Isaiah 64:6)

It sounds so ridiculous as I type it out, that I could believe some of this stuff, but that’s the sneakiness of the enemy’s lies – until they are brought out into the light, admitted, acknowledged, and challenged, they hold so much power. But challenged, the lies fall flat against God’s Truth.

So one conclusion to all of this: I can’t hold onto the other safety nets that plan B’s offer and proclaim the gospel that only by Jesus can I be saved. It’s utter ridiculousness. But isn’t this what I have been doing when I place my hope in anything other than Him? I have to let go of the lie that there is some other way to do this thing called life besides the path to surrender to Jesus.

Pure Grace.
Undeserved.
Scandalous.

When I am desperately dependent on God, that is when I really learn the truth of the gospel, and only then can I proclaim it well.

So, to bring things into the light, I admit, acknowledge and challenge the lie that I have believed for a long time – that my life needed to look together in order to show people what Jesus had to offer them. And so, in my deceived heart, I pursued what I thought best glorified the Lord – my best attempts at obedience and pointing others to Him with my words and actions, and only presenting my struggles and weaknesses when I could wrap them in a bow of “but God is doing this, that, or the other” – trying to make it all understandable and explainable. Because for me, ‘I don’t knows’ are not appealing. They have not offered peace and comfort. And why would anyone want to give up their life to Jesus if it looked so messy, chaotic and unpredictable?

In such a subtle way, I have been missing it. I didn’t know that when I embraced my sin in order to fully embrace grace, that peace was on the other end of that.

I thought the mess had to be gone in order for peace to be evident.
Messiness does not have to mean chaos (lacking peace). One doesn’t have to be the other.
(Maybe this seems pretty simple and straightforward for you, but for me, this is profound, heart-transforming revelations right here.)

I thought that sanctification had to be completed (or at least mostly) in me for others to see Jesus.

But it doesn’t.

I guess it didn’t matter how many times I had read and heard 2 Corinthians 2:19, I still believed my weaknesses had to be in a pretty, shiny frame for the Lord to reveal Himself through me.

“My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.”
– 2 Corinthians 2:19 (PH)

And I’m not talking about the shades of weaknesses like how I struggle to keep my house clean or how I have about 10 meals I know how to cook, period. Those are safe. I’m talking about the weaknesses that your palms get sweaty thinking about, let alone actually even voicing them to someone else.

What the Lord is speaking to me about all of this:
“Accept my grace (period). It’s enough. I will reveal Myself to you and through you as I choose in My ways as I desire.  There is no way you’re going to be able to predict it or produce it yourself.  So stop trying. Just rest in my complete and utter acceptance of you, and know that I will do it.’

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.” – Philippians 2:13

“Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.“ -2 Corinthians 3:5

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. “ – Philippians 1:5

This truth is wrecking havoc on my heart, my theology, and my life. Seriously. To let my weaknesses take the forefront and trust that His strength will become more and more evident to me, in me, and only by His grace, to others.

It is no longer about me trying to have it all together, to work so hard on trying to make all the right decisions and to be prepared at every turn for each situation that I may face. It’s not about taking the time to get all my figurative ducks in a row or, as I so often do, waiting until the ‘right’ time to do things when circumstances seem favorable and conducive.

It’s now about trusting Him, about stepping out when I hear the whisper, insecure and afraid. Shifting my focus off myself and my condition to Jesus. Knowing that it is well with me because it will always be well with Him, and I am in Him. “And He is mine.”

As I looked down at the drip of juice on my shoe, it looked beautiful. And perfect.

“So I’ll stop living off of how I feel
And start standing on Your truth revealed
Jesus is my strength, my shield
And He will never fail me”
-Casting Crowns, All You’ve Ever Wanted

Whew – this statement. To be able to silence, or at least ignore, my extremely loud emotions in order to hear the Lord’s truth over them. This emotional filter through which I see life can be so distracting and distorting. Although I know that God created my emotions, I know that they often trump His voice in my life and dictate decisions that they shouldn’t. Lord, sanctify my sensitivity. Show me how You intended my emotions to factor into this life, staying in tune with Your Spirit.

I read Galatians this morning with new eyes. Familiar verses seemed to speak new truths, God’s living Word cutting even deeper into me, separating soul and spirit. It is so precious when I can experience the truth of scripture so poignantly and apparently. Even as I am reading scripture. (So meta)

After an awesome message on the Holy Spirit this past Sunday morning, I feel inspired to grasp more of an understanding of living by the Spirit. Although I recognize now more than ever that even this – living by the Spirit – is God’s work in me, that I am powerless to even accomplish this, I want to know how to pursue the Lord in such a way that He has the open invitation to invade and command my life. I found myself asking questions like, “What is my part in this, Lord?” “How do I submit to You in a way that allows Your life to have full reign?” “How do I stay in step with the Spirit?” (Galatians 5:25)

I wish I could now say that I know the answers, but honestly I am just excited at this new phase in my relationship with the Lord where I am asking these types of questions. In the past, not too far removed from now, in my deception I felt that it was up to me to figure these things out and to accomplish them on my own. When Paul says in Galatians 5:25 for us, as believers, to stay in step with the Spirit, doesn’t that sound like a command? Like something that we should be doing, even knowing how to do? And so often I have read a lot of scriptures with this bent, as though they are these instructions and rules that I needed to take and go do myself.

For example, in light of the amazing fruits of the Spirit and taking this ‘lemme at em’ approach, what do I find in that? Discouragement. Failure. And eventually landing in feelings of hopelessness, because I am not patient. Most days, in my natural self, I can easily choose anger and irritation over kindness and gentleness. And love – the real stuff about sacrificing yourself, laying down my life for others, I’m pretty empty of that, too.

Maybe I’m wrong – maybe I will read this post later and realize that I had it wrong (possibly like most of my posts) – but in the effort of allowing this to be a true place of wrestling, I’ll just share where I am in this process.

I don’t know that I can stay in step with the Spirit. Maybe it’s because I am not accustomed to it yet. I’m just barely learning what abiding in the Lord is about, after how many years of walking with the Lord?

OR
maybe it’s more about submission, about being aware of the Lord’s presence and asking for help.

Could it be that simple?

Could what I have been trying to reproduce in my life from my limited understanding of scripture really just be about instead asking for the Lord to do it in me? And then releasing my efforts so that I’m not circumventing His work in my life and my heart?

I don’t know.

(oh, that once dreaded statement that the Lord is now asking me to embrace.)

Regardless, I think the term ‘reproducing’ is pretty telling, exposing how I’ve gotten it wrong. As though it’s my job to create in my life some sort of replica or image of the Lord vs His life in me overflowing.

John 15:5, “I am the Vine; you are the branches. The One who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me.”

Anyways – no pretty bow to wrap this up. I’m going to choose to leave things undone for now, because I now know that it’s not my place to figure everything out in my timetable.

So I’ll just leave you with a timely quote from The Nesting Place (one of my bday gifts from the hubs):

“The goal of perfection does nothing but hold you back. In her book Choosing Rest, Sally Breedlove says, ‘We find rest in the incompleteness of the present moment as we learn to recognize the goodness of what is and we trust that what is needed for the future will be given at its proper time.’

Allowing things in our homes and in our lives to be incomplete, imperfect, and undone in some ways is a form of trust.”

Choosing to trust today, that the Lord is giving me what I need in His timing:

“The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.” – Psalm 145:15

Thanks for letting me share.