General Air of Dependency

I am surrounded by immense need. Not even including myself – and boy am I a dousy – but my kids. Needy. Little balls of neediness.

As I am filling the request for cheese toast, I’m also being asked to ‘find something in her ear’ (thanks, Papa John, for finding quarters one day so that now that each day holds a new promise for more riches), and also to play with her. Really? I’m still trying to get the first thing you asked for.

Geez Louise. It can be exhausting.

And frustrating. I wish I could say that I’m not frustrated – that I can stay in an objective emotional state and recognize that they are just kids, little dependents that I’m called to take care of. But I don’t stay in that cozy little viewpoint of understanding and realistic expectations. I somehow seem to find myself most days – okay, all days – on the sidelines of realistic expectations – finding myself wanting them to see that mommy is trying to do the best she can, that she is getting my cheese toast so I’m going to wait patiently while she does that and then I’m going to be considerate enough to let her finish her coffee before I ask for anything else.

HA! I know, right?

Well, it occurred to me today, as I’m being bombarded with requests and the general air of dependency, that my God is SO unlike me. Thankfully, He is not overwhelmed or put off by my kids’ neediness, or mine. He is not frustrated when I come to Him, asking for peace and provision, and while He’s at it, I’d love some extra rest today with a side of resolution in this relational issue over here. And while You’re up, taking care of those things, could you also love me and affirm me of Your love today in a special way. Thanks.

Yep – He is not frustrated by my extreme desperation one bit. In fact, He delights in the fact that I bring it to Him. I don’t always – sometimes I get caught up in the delusion that I can manage myself (again, another big HA) or the deception that He doesn’t want to hear from me again today, so I need to figure out another solution (LIE).

He is not overwhelmed or put off by me. Whether I’m being demanding and less than grateful (which He addresses in me) or I’m asking continuously because I’m struggling in doubt and the silence of waiting. He does not have unrealistic expectations of me. He knows me. He created me. He is intimately acquainted with all my ways. Yours, too. Check it out.

As my daughter comes back up to me, asking for another piece of cheese toast, she’s grinning and excited and telling me how yummy the first piece was. And I think that God wants that from me, too. For me to know that He’s not put off by my requests, and that He loves it when I come back to Him, asking for more and exclaiming how much I enjoyed what He has already given.

Thanks for letting me share!

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“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians 4:6-7

 

Answered Prayer

Recently I have lost sight of a few things. Important things.

My husband and I discussed my current struggle last night, and prayed together for the Lord to remind my forgetful heart of the purposes He has for me.

And this morning, in His ever-faithful grace, He did that in a very sweet, powerful way.

My daughter has recently learned the song, The Lord’s Army, in AWANA. We were singing it on the way home from our couples’ small group on Sunday evening, in fact, trying to help her remember the words (God’s foreshadowing of where we’d be heading this week).

“I may never march in the infantry, ride in the Calvary, shoot the artillery. I may never fly o’er the enemy, but I’m in the Lord’s army!”

My daughter’s rendition and pronunciation of these words. Adorable.

So back to this morning. She tells me they sang the song again last night at AWANA, and asks if I sing it with her. We start, and she begins doing the movements she learned along with the words, adoringly shaking her hips and getting into it, Natalie-style.

And when she gets to the end, she yells loudly, “I’m in the Lord’s army! Yes, sir!”

And that’s when God reminded me of how He has answered and is still answering His promise to me.

A little over a year ago, I was sitting in a meeting at work, an all-staff one that we had every Fall as the school staff enters a new school year and the church staff prepares for the Fall groups launch and events. We started the meeting with praise and worship, and Danni Tabor & Amy Davis led us in an awesome version of Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. And I remember sensing that something significant was happening at the time, but it wasn’t entirely clear until Pastor Beau, the head pastor, got up to speak. He referenced one of the lyrics from the song “I see an army rising up…to break every chain” and began to encourage the school and church staff to see the opportunities set before then to invest in the lives of the people they came in contact with. And I knew at that moment, it was my commission speech into a new ministry, a new mission field – to go home full-time, to resign and begin to invest in the army that God desires to raise up in my family.

This was not the first time I felt called home – I had already moved into a part-time capacity at work, following the Lord’s prompting to be at home more with my family. And I guess I knew that I would be coming home full-time at some point, but remember feeling shocked that this was indeed the moment God was confirming His calling for that.

It was a very special moment, one that I have shared with some close friends, when I felt the Lord commissioning to me to the amazing new area of ministry. It made an impression.

Recently, I have lost sight of the privilege to what I’ve been called to. I regret to say that I have allowed other things to devalue in my eyes what once I so cherished and felt so honored to do.

But in such a precious, personal way, the Lord has answered my prayer – my very own daughter singing “I’m in the Lord’s army” to me this morning, and the truth of that statement because just this past week – October 8, 2014 – my daughter and I prayed and she trusted Jesus as her Savior! I actually got to sit down with my daughter and pray through the gospel with her.

I have the amazing calling and privilege to be used by the Lord to disciple my daughter, to encourage and plant seeds of truth and learn together more about what it means to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Because you better believe the Lord is revealing more of Himself to me in ways that I never would have imagined as I step into explaining faith matters with my 4 year old.

I need to hear the gospel on that simplistic level every single day.

To see the faith of a child and know what it means to really trust and see things for the first time with new eyes.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to witness Your work first-hand, to have a front row seat to my daughter’s faith walk. I’m sorry for the ways that I have allowed other things to distract me from the value or honor that it is to be a part of your work – whatever that looks like – but in your grace and goodness, you have allowed it to be an area that I am passionate about. You have changed my heart to desire the things that You wanted me to put my hands to, faithful to your Word. You didn’t have to do that, but You did. You don’t have to use personal, meaningful things in my life to penetrate my heart and speak to me, but You do. You could just give me a general call and ask for my obedience, but instead You engage my heart and wrestle out my doubts and insecurities and fear. Thank you for continually, relentlessly pursuing me and my family in very real, personal ways. You are our beautiful inheritance. Please continue to give me eyes to see and ears to hear, and show me how to guard my heart and mind from things that will pull my heart, mind, and hands away from all that You have for me.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Thanks for letting me share!

The Dragon and the Grasshopper

When I was younger (in college) I went through a phase where I wanted to be a children’s author. I even started a short story one night. I honestly don’t remember what it was about. Needless to say, the phase passed and I haven’t really thought about it much since. Until today.

I was driving down the road and saw these two clouds in the sky, and from my point of view at the time they were the only two clouds in the sky. One looked like a Chinese dragon and the other, just above it, looked like a grasshopper (please don’t judge).  And it was one of those strange moments where the Lord allowed those two images to represent a topic that I have been wrestling with for some time now…comparison.

These two figures seemed to be facing each other, and for a brief moment I thought about the idea of the dragon wanting to be like the grasshopper. Maybe that dragon was admiring the grasshopper’s delicate nature and the way that it could so easily create music with its legs. At the same time, the grasshopper is esteeming the dragon above himself for his bold presence, power and strength.

Two different ends of the spectrum.

And then my train of thought went to this conflict that then ensues between the two of them, because instead of choosing to admire innocently the abilities and giftings of the other, they choose to start to pick out each others’ flaws in order to compensate for the ways that they were each feeling less-than because they didn’t possess the same attributes.

It’s an ugly truth, but if we were really honest with ourselves, haven’t we been there? I know that I have. In my insecurity, I have looked for the weaknesses of others in order to try to ‘balance’ out the score card between us, if I felt as though they had more to offer than me. (Who are we offering exactly what to, that is another question to explore at another time.)

The Lord has shown me the awful ugliness of this choice. And when I try to focus on the flaws of others, I am picking apart His creation, what He has made, and my beef becomes with Him, not other people.

And it goes both ways; I can put too much weight on what I consider to be my strengths or areas the Lord has chosen to bestow a gift (not like I can take credit for it, but my pride would like to) and therefore not appreciate others’ differences with as much esteem and value as I have placed on the things I appreciate about myself.

Ugh…this is not fun stuff to admit. Really, really yucky. I am so thankful for a loving God that pursues me in this junk and loves me through it enough to change me.

But can I ask you, in the ways that I have stepped out on the ledge and exposed some of my heart, that you ask yourself if any of this rings true in you? Are you a grasshopper? Maybe an introverted soft-spoken person who secretly longs for the outward boldness and confidence displayed in someone else you know? Or are you a dragon? Maybe you don’t feel held back about sharing your perspective and words, but inwardly jealous of those that seem more confident in silence and seem to possess the wisdom you crave?

It’s tricky. Because we see things in others that we desire. Maybe it’s part of the packaging that God gave them or maybe, just maybe, what we’re desiring is what He is doing in them. Maybe you want that boldness and confidence, and see that as more of a personality type than the Holy Spirit’s presence in that person’s life? Or the wisdom you see in someone else? That’s another indicator of God’s presence and work, not because they may be an introvert or not. And in this, the very thing that we can choose to value and esteem, can be God Himself -His Work in those people – instead of an area that we allow there to be division and envy.

What if the very things that make me long to be someone else are things that the Lord desires to do in me? Maybe not… it could be that God wants to change my heart and allow me to be more content with Who He has created me to be. That very well could be the case. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all analogy, for sure. But maybe (and I’m wondering this today) if the things that I really admire in others and have allowed to drag me into jealousy and insecurity and comparison funk, are things that the Lord desires for me as well, if I would just ask Him.

They won’t look like they do in others. Again, the packaging is different.

I don’t know. I just wonder if maybe I don’t ask the Lord enough (and I hope that you can understand my heart here) to really allow myself to be so comfortable and trusting in His love for me, as His daughter, to just ask Him for what I want. And then be open for His response. Yes, No, Maybe later. Wait and see.

Because this process is about being honest with Him. He knows already what I want; good, bad, beautiful, and ugly. So why not bring it to Him and acknowledge it? Why not give Him more of an opportunity to reveal my heart to me, to show me what desires are from Him and what are not.

He promises to give good gifts. So I can trust that whatever His response, it’s for my good. If it’s a no, then it’s because I don’t need to be a dragon. If it’s a yes, then by all means, cultivate in me the overt boldness and presence that will attract others to me for His glory, or the confident silence and trust of wisdom like the grasshopper. Whatever the case may be. Because it is about Him. The other stuff (the stuff I mentioned above), if i leave it as it is, then it’s just selfish desires for selfish means: acceptance, affirmation, applause, approval. But if I bring it to Him, then we’re engaging in heart work. And it changes me, and that’s always for His glory.