“Praise the Lord!
Praise the Lord, O my soul!
I will praise the Lord as long as I live;
I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

Put not your trust in princes,
in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation.
When his breath departs, he returns to the earth;
on that very day his plans perish.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord his God,
who made heaven and earth,
the sea, and all that is in them,
who keeps faith forever;
who executes justice for the oppressed,
who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free;
the Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down;
the Lord loves the righteous.
The Lord watches over the sojourners;
he upholds the widow and the fatherless,
but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.

The Lord will reign forever,
your God, O Zion, to all generations.
Praise the Lord!”
-Psalm 146

I was hesitant to post the following. For one, it is real. Really real. Scary vulnerable territory for me. But more than that, it seems so much ‘about me.’ At least on the surface. I felt it was something I should write because it was true, and I felt the need to record it – to acknowledge that it was happening and real. If for no one else but me. To keep in my journal.

But as I sat down to write, it became clear that it was coming just like so many other posts, posts I believe that the Lord inspires me to write out and wrestle with and proclaim in my own little way. So this was from Him, too.  And about Him. The post below is about what only the Lord can author in my life. And so I hope it’s with that in mind that you will read the following. This is my way of proclaiming what the Lord has been doing in me, and what He will continue to do, because He is faithful. My only response is humble gratitude, and a willingness to share what has been a crazy hard and freeing experience for me. He is the one that sets prisoners free, that brings sight to blind eyes, and I will sing of the Lord as long as I live.

—–

My freedom has come in inconspicuous ways.

This has come after a season of some hard heart-work the Lord has called me to – seeking freedom from some things that have held me back for a long time now. Most of which I was unaware of until I started the process. Funny how denial can be so convincing, deception so effective.  But I took the first step, admitted that the junk in my heart was real (see some of my previous posts like this), and so we started this crazy recovery journey last April.

I first noticed I was singing more loudly in the car, by myself. Haha. I guess that is indicative of how shy I can be. Hard time being me with just me. Even alone I have been hindered to express myself.

I also noticed I was looking more people in the eye, aware of them more than myself. I started laughing and speaking up in settings where I would normally be restrained by insecurity and awareness of others. I started asking questions where once I would sit in silence, afraid I was the only one that didn’t understand. Now I ask questions because I want to know more than I want others to see me a certain way. I have started seeing bolder actions and responses in almost every area of my life.

I am pretty sure from the outside nothing really looks different. On their own, each instance listed above doesn’t amount to much. But together, I have started to recognize the Lord’s handiwork and it is refreshing. There is glorious freedom sprouting in me, and I can’t wait for it to take full bloom.

I didn’t know until I tasted this freedom how enslaved I have been, and still am in so many ways. But I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good in new ways. And that has changed me. I know there is more now. I can’t go back, as much as my flesh desires to drag me back to the old places. But what the Lord brings to life can’t be hidden among the dead for long.

Because His life produces life.

Maybe that is the indicator of true life and freedom-it changes what it surrounds. Life produces life.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17

“The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you – they are full of the Spirit and life.” John 6:63

The roots go down deep in the decaying soil and break it up. Slowly nutrients are transferred and what once could only offer death now can foster life. He makes it new.

The trick is that this is happening beneath the surface. There is no apparent indicator for a long time that something has shifted, that the very nature of what has been touched has been changed. Winds of condemnation and doubt will still blow above the surface, taunting me to believe that nothing is happening, that nothing is different. But as truth is continually planted, it takes root in a place now capable of receiving it, a heart now alive to grow the fruit.

Faith gives the heart vision to see the promise before it breaks through the ground and Hope sustains the heart until the promise is fulfilled.

The first stem pops out – the lifting of my arms in worship, alone in my car.

The stem continues to press through the soil, no longer being able to be contained only underground – my public worship now has freedom of expression.

The first leaves unfold – I can now speak up where I was once imprisoned in silence and insecurity. I now take thoughts captive that used to control me, replacing them with new truth.

A bud appears – I have made a choice to say no to what used to compel and control me.

The bud opens, petals unfurling – the very words that I speak now are evidence of the new truth in my mind and heart, paving new paths for me to walk.

Eventually the bloom will be in full force and the pollen it produces will inspire and motivate others. The Lord will speak His words and they will not come back void, but will achieve the purpose it was set out to accomplish (Isaiah 55:11).

The whole process is organic. I didn’t bring myself to life, or cause the growth, nor can I produce the fruit. It was Him and will continue to be Him. The lie that defined my old life was that I could, and so I attempted to bring a dead girl to life in a cemetery.

Only God can speak life, breathe life into me. All I can do is inhale. And then keep breathing Him in. Exhaling the lies, the bondage, the death and decay. Breathing in His life and joy and peace and love.

Freedom came in inconspicuous ways. As a baby born in a manger, a toddler to a carpenter, a young man in a temple speaking with authority.
Truth always has authority, whether recognized or not.

Jesus Christ, God’s Word, became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1:14). He lived in obedience to God and accomplished what He was sent to do (John 4:34, Philippians 2:8), to set the prisoners free (Luke 4:14-21, Isaiah 53:5, 1 Peter 2:23-24). That freedom came in surrender to the cross, and the same freedom still comes in surrendering to the cross -giving up the attempt to bring a dead girl back to life and giving over my death for His life.

Lord, please give me eyes to see the ways You work in and around my life. Help me to see the ways You so humbly move, often choosing obscurity when You are worthy of all praise and attention and adoration. I pray that You would no longer be obscure in me, but apparent. That Your life would speak through me, Your freedom evident in me, for Your Name’s sake and glory. The dead cannot praise You. (Isaiah 38:18) Bring more light to my eyes and life to my heart that it can’t help but proclaim Your Name. In Your goodness, use my life for Your plans.
In the Name that is above all Names I boldly approach Your throne, accepted and loved and adored by You because of Your Son’s sacrifice. Amen.

 

Ever Be – Bethel Music

I have a hard time receiving compliments.  Do you?

I am sure there are many reasons as to why, but one I am well acquainted with is this one:
I know myself. I know my faults and how I fall short.

SO, I believe that if someone says something positive about me in an area I see as really lacking, well, then ultimately they do not really know me. If they did, well, it would be a different story.
Like someone telling me I am a good mama. Well, they don’t know that I yelled at my kids today.  So, surely if they knew that (fill in the blank), they wouldn’t have offered the sentiment.
As though having weaknesses and faults means I am forever disqualified from being enough.

What a huge conflict and contradiction of the gospel of grace (!) which says that in my weaknesses, I am strong because Christ’s power is then perfected in me!
That it is not about me never messing up with my kids that makes me a good parent, but that when I do mess up, I ask for forgiveness. That I agree with God that I screwed up and ask for wisdom on how to do things differently in the future. That I own the ways I have fallen short in any given situation and lay them bear before the Lord.

That instead of trying to allow perfectionism to try to make me great, I allow Christ to be greater in me.
Bigger than my attempts to be enough on my own.
More real than my distorted perspective that says it’s up to me to fix myself first.
That He gets more access in my life because I surrender my feeble attempts to Him and even learn how to choose to boast, as Paul did, in the very weaknesses that give me an opportunity to see God’s power at work. (1 Corinthians 12:9-11)

Who knew it would take years for me to start to see the truth of that passage.
And then years more for it to really start changing how I view things.

I am so thankful for the way that the Lord continually pursues me and is committed to His truth becoming my own.

So, my struggle with accepting compliments that I mentioned above has started to change. I will spare you the gory details of how the Lord has been addressing my perfectionism, self-worth, etc.

But in this, what I do want to share, is that I am learning to receive the truth that there are some really valuable things about me because I am His creation and His handiwork.
Where perfectionism has tempted me to either deny my weaknesses as if they didn’t exist by just doubling my striving to overcome them or to go the opposite direction, to wallow in my short-comings and bath in guilt and shame, now God’s truth is showing me a new way.
God’s truth says that I do have weaknesses – it addresses the awful elephant in the room that I want to avoid so badly -but it doesn’t stop there.
God’s truth explains that I am not as He ultimately intended me to be because of Fall, because of sin, but He still authored my frame.
And He promises to not forsake the work of His hands.
And ultimately it is not about me being great so that people see me – that was never the point,
but about people seeing His great work in me and seeing Him.

I was inspired to write this because of a picture I saw of my friend, possessing the expression I have so often seen when she looks at her people.
She is a fierce mama of her two boys. She will fight any battle to ensure that they are known and seen for who God created them to be, not whatever mold is acceptable or preferred by others.
I believe she will have a hard time receiving this truth, that she is a great mama. Maybe not.
But I bet she sees the filmstrip of replayed moments in her mind, times she has lost her temper or made choices she doesn’t agree with now. But that doesn’t change what makes her a great mama.
She loves those boys because she loves God, and He has given her what she needs for them, to be their protector and advocate, their disciplinarian and biggest fan. And one day, one of their closest friends.
He has given her what she needs to be a great parent, because she has allowed Him to be great in her.

What do you have a hard time believing about yourself?
What has God spoken over you about it?

Gideon didn’t recognize the title by which God addressed him, a mighty warrior, but God knew that with Him, that is what Gideon was going to become.
Peter didn’t understand in the moment that Jesus was calling him the rock on which He would build His church, that Peter was about to do what he would have considered the unthinkable – betray Jesus so quickly and repeatedly.
But Jesus knew that Peter needed a glimpse of the bigger picture so that after Peter’s pride was crushed, his identity would then be built on the truth of what God was going to do in and through Him.

Peter’s actions, and so often my own, tempt me to define myself according to my accomplishments or failures, to say I am worthy of love because of this, or I will never be acceptable because of that.
It is an estimation of myself that doesn’t and will never make sense because the equation leaves God out.  I was given my identity, my value-packed completely accepted and loved and adored and sufficient identity, before I ever took my first breath.

So a truth that I need to be continually reminded of pretty much every single day is this:
My identity is not up for question or debate.
I have a choice in what defines me, and I choose Jesus.
Only in Him can I be defined as free, forgiven, absolutely and unconditionally loved, a conqueror, strong in my weaknesses, equipped, sufficient, competent, and bold in my vulnerability.
Why in the world would I choose another definition?

Thanks for letting me share.

“When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me”

–Before The Throne of God Above
Shane & Shane

“For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

It’s really amazing to think about how detail-oriented God is. What little bit I know of the wonder of DNA, it boggles my mind to think of how much goes into just one person, one living body.

Being someone that notices and appreciates details, it’s neat to think that my God is also like this, that He intricately designs what He creates. He is not careless nor does He work haphazardly. The words precision and care and intention come to mind.

“Thus says God, the Lord, Who created the heavens and stretched them out, Who spread out the earth and what comes from it, Who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it:” – Isaiah 42:5

But God also sees the big picture. He created it all. He is a God of vision and able to orchestrate trillions and trillions of events at the same time. He is the ultimate Multi-Tasker and Vision Caster.  He composes and conducts with competence and a capacity that is unfathomable.

As His creation, we tend to have one of these two strengths or bents. We can usually either more easily see the picture as a whole, or we are ones that focus on a few specific details, not as quick to see what the combination of the details reveals.

But not our God. He doesn’t lose sight of His bigger plan when He looks at our individual lives. He also doesn’t lose sight of me, of you, when He looks at His bigger plan. He weaves the two beautifully together, allowing us the opportunity to participate in what He is doing all the while completing what He has started in each of us personally (see Philippians 1:6, 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24).

Isaiah, after reciting God’s previous accomplishments in creating the universe, goes on to say in chapter 42, verse 6, “I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you;”

He is faithful to His creation, His plan, and His purposes. He calls us to Himself, redeems us through Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection, and then He empowers us through His Holy Spirit to join Him in what He desires to complete, the redemption of His creation.

He loves us and it’s not about us. Please note the importance of the word “and” here. I used to say “He loves me, but it’s not about me,” as though His plans somehow took away from His love for me. That I was important, but not as important as what He wanted to accomplish. But I think that subtle difference between ‘and’ and ‘but’ make a world of difference. It’s like saying if God truly loves me and wants my best, then something has to be compromised in His ultimate plan. Or vice versa. But God is not a God of scarcity. He doesn’t miss something happening in His creation when He is tending to me, and He doesn’t neglect me when He is tending to someone else. I don’t believe it has to be one or the other. I believe that God completely loves us and that He has a much bigger plan to accomplish than we will ever fully grasp. And because He loves us so much, we are invited into the story. We can help progress the plot line. But my pride has to take a backseat, because ultimately I am not the point of it all, and my soul can breathe a sigh of relief that ultimately He will accomplish His purposes regardless of me, my inadequacies, and my imperfection.