In The Deep End

 

Clouds_over_the_Atlantic_Ocean

Last fall, my husband and I had the awesome opportunity to take a kid-less vacation. As much as I missed them, it was so nice to have some time alone with the hubs, and honestly, to just sleep whenever I wanted to. That is what I consider a vacation – not sight-seeing or shopping, but food and sleep. Total bliss!

Part of the purpose of this trip for me was to process some of the things I had been feeling God leading us to – lots of change, some physical and logistical, but mostly heart-related – the main being homeschool. Although the Lord had taken away some fear in it (my palms would literally sweat when I would talk about it), there was still a lot of anxiety and unknowns about what this would look like for our family, and I thought getting out of our usual routine would help me to gain some perspective.

Okay, that sounded really tame.
Let me rephrase this: I felt like I so desperately needed to hear from the Lord on this. Even though the Lord had already begun to change my heart and mind, I felt like I was two steps into a 100,000 mile journey. I needed more.

In God’s faithfulness, in the ways that only  He can, He did. He pulled together some amazing circumstances to speak to my heart and to my fear.

On the second day on our cruise, we had a day at a sea (meaning that we would just be sailing all day, in-between ports with no stops). We had found a great deal so we were able to score a room with a balcony, knowing we’d be spending a lot of time reading and laying around that week.

So as we’re sitting out on our little balcony, with my earbuds in, listening to a new Bethel album I had bought for the trip, journaling and spending some time reading the Word, I look up to see a bird flying next to the boat.

Now, we are no way near land.
How in the world is there a bird just flying out in the middle of the ocean?!

So I’m just kind of sitting there in disbelief, wondering if I’m really seeing this.

Since I was already praying, I figured I would ask God.

(I will admit, I don’t often ask questions like this in prayer – so the whole experience was a little peculiar and awkward for me.)

“Lord, how is it here?”

And I sensed the Holy Spirit impress on my heart almost immediately – ‘This is what you can do with Me. You can go out to the depths because I am with you.”

Now – here’s a little insight, for those of you that may not know me very well. I am a planner.  I hear (or think I hear) God’s call to something, and I mark out my course, pack my bags for what I think I will need, and I set out with all the best intentions to obey. (Note all the “I’s” in this statement .) But what happens with this faulty approach is that I get to the shoreline, maybe even wade out into the waves a bit, but pretty soon I know that any further and I’m in over my head. I can no longer attempt to believe that I am capable of obeying and following Him into the depths on my own. (Enter guilt, shame, and discouragement)

But in this moment, and through all the change that the Lord was orchestrating in our lives, He was showing me that  the truth is that He not only calls, but that He also takes my hand and walks each step of the way with me, steadying me.

“You can go out to the depths because I am with you, sustaining you, giving you a place to rest.”

And what happened next was honestly just amazing. As I am watching this bird fly (let’s call him Finn for fun), I recognize that not only is Finn flying, but he looks like he is enjoying himself – flying side to side, dancing and diving, skimming the surface, and enjoying the depths.

Then the bird came and perched on the boat, with its little body in direct contrast to this massive ship, which was so capable of providing a perching spot, a place of rest.

Isn’t that an amazing picture of what journeying with God can be?!

He invites us into the depths because He knows that it is where the abundance is. It’s not in the safe and secure, the ground I can feel beneath my feet, where I build my own little kingdom that begins to taste grainy in my mouth like the sand I’m building it on. The abundance is in surrounding myself with water where it’s impossible to even attempt to do the thing on my own – all the while exhilarating and fulfilling the desires of my heart – desires that He fashioned when He created my heart in the first place. I experience His life inside of me, Him doing what only He can do in and through me. And that truly is the only thing on this side of heaven that fulfills.

That is the kind of life I used to pray for in college (when I was naive as to what that actually meant) – when I would ask that the Lord to make my life unexplainable apart for Him. I’m thankful that even though I had no idea what I was asking at the time, He decided to answer my naive prayers in His way and in His timing.

Lord, You are in the depths. You are in the chaos and the messy, the uncomfortable and impossible, the hard and miraculous. Despite my flesh, I want to be there. I want to experience not just Your sustaining hand, but the ways that You transform my heart to not only obey, but to enjoy it. I desire the freedom to trust You and just be and enjoy.

(This was a similar prayer I put in my journal that day, on the ship, inspired by the freedom I saw in Finn.)

(Side-note: Isn’t it incredible how someone else’s freedom can be so inspiring? I think that is what true freedom does – it gives us permission to be who we are, and yet shows us that we can step into so much more.)

Fast forward to this past December, and not only was I ready to step into the depths of homeschooling, I actually wanted to. There was excitement where there was once only extreme fear and dread.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was real. The Lord was doing something new.

And you know what else I discovered? I love it.

In His goodness, He can change our hearts and give us desires for the very things He is calling us to, planning for us, prepared before the creation of the world for us to step into.

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10

So what is your story? What is your ‘deep-end’ that you fear the Lord may be calling you to explore? What is holding you back and is it worth forfeiting the freedom that you will experience if you will just step off the shore?

Boundary Lines in Pleasant Places

 

This morning, as I was listening to this, I was challenged to really believe that right now, God’s care for me is PERFECT – that the things that I feel may be lacking are His intentional withholding for my good, and the things that I feel may be oversights are there for purpose to produce what He wants in my life.

I have a hard time with this lie – the original lie – that God is withholding good from me. Eve fell prey, and so do I, almost every single day. I hear the term ‘withhold’ with a negative connotation. I see lack as bad, always bad.

 

(When Natalie was itty bitty, I had the privilege of going through the study, The Great Lie, with a mentor and another close friend – such a timely theme for that season. Our plan was to discuss this small, 32 page booklet while we waited for our ‘real’ study to come in the mail. Well, about 4 months later, we were still picking apart the intense truths in this little booklet. Funny how I often diminish the importance of something small by having my eyes on ‘what’s next’.)

But getting back to the point – this original lie that God is withholding good from us, from me.

Even in this, there are so many misconceptions. One, that the thing that God is withholding is a good thing, and two, that even if it is a good thing, that it would be good for me, now, in this season.

I understand that my heart is deceptive and does not often desire good things for me. I’m pretty familiar with that. So these days, the first part of this misconception doesn’t trip me up as much.
(A couple obvious examples: It would not be good for me to stay in bed all day long. Some days – oh man, that is what I want. But good for me, nope. Also, My kids want to eat candy all.day.long. Pretty obvious that it wouldn’t be a wise choice.)

But the second misconception I mentioned is what I still struggle with – the appropriate gift at the appropriate time – “The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.” (Psalm 145:15)

letting-go-open-hands

I view something as good – and see that God deems this thing as good – and when it is not given, I feel left out. I feel like He maybe missed something, forgot about me, doesn’t care how I feel, or that maybe I didn’t do what was needed to ‘earn’ said gift (enter lies of perfectionism, guilt and shame).

It’s hard to keep perspective, and even understand that so often I will only have a glimpse of God’s perspective on the situation.

I understand that it would not have been good to have given my once 6-month-old a nice, juicy hamburger. The hamburger in and of itself is great, but not for someone that doesn’t have teeth and the system to process it. It’s not the right time for it.

I also understand that my daughter would LOVE to stay up later at night and not take a nap in the middle of the day. One day, she will have the ability to enjoy the gift of more time and more independence, but right now, her little body can’t handle the lack of sleep and extra expended energy. (I have several recent public meltdowns as my evidence).
So until she can enjoy the gift of that time and independence, we’re going to continue to keep the usual sleep schedule and withhold the extension for a while.

I can get this as a parent – withholding even good things from my kids because right now, it wouldn’t be good for them.

So, even as the serpent originally mingled some truth with his lie – that God was withholding from Eve (truth), but that what God was choosing to withhold from Eve would be good for her (lie), I get tripped up with the subtle differences. I see God’s withholding in my life as His withholding good for me now. I do not see His boundaries as His love for me.

And in God’s timeliness and faithfulness, this comes up at church.

boundaries
“Our misunderstanding of the goodness of God distorts our view of His boundaries.” – Jeremy Gardner

(Oh man – I could go on for days in the challenge of codependents and their struggle with understanding boundaries, but I will refrain.)

And then if that wasn’t enough truth to chew on for the rest of the week, or year, the Holy Spirit continued to speak.

“If _______ was taken from you (or might I personally add “not given to you at all”), would you run to God or from God?”

Ouch. But even though it hurt to hear it- to sit down and really think about how I respond to God’s withholding or His taking away – I am so thankful that God so faithfully and persistently pursuing my heart on this matter. The conviction that I so often want to avoid (maybe you can relate?) is an indicator of His love for me, His pursuit of my heart.

Do you believe that? Do you believe that being uncomfortable in His Presence is a good thing?
Because it means that we’re in His Presence – that He has called us to Himself – and that He is not willing for us to continue to gasp for breath and for life anymore under the weight of our sin, but that He is doing something about it.

My misconception of God’s goodness is at the very heart of my struggle.  But in moments of clarity, it is so glaringly obvious just how good and gracious He is. And a great reminder that I have to remain in Him – stay in His Word, His lamp unto my feet, so that I can be constantly reminded of these truths.

Because by myself, I forget. I lose sight.

And I’m back where I started. Hurt and confused and a maybe even a little bitter because I’m not getting what I want and God is holding out on me.

Oh man – calling it what it is hurts, but I’d rather step into confession than live in denial.

Even though I can picture my two kids playing out this very scenario on any given day (and y’all, they are 2 & 4 yrs old), and as much as I would love to be able to distance my maturity level from them, in so many ways I still act like a little kid.

My tantrums may be a little bit more sophisticated  (as Rachael Carmen put it so well at a recent convention I went to), but ultimately I am still God’s child, still in very much need of His parenting, His direction and discipline, and His judgment determining what I do and do not need on any given day.

Because at the heart of this lie is an attempt for us to get our eyes off God and onto ourselves, to magnify us in all our needs and wants and desires, and to make our lives, our little kingdoms, the chief end of our pursuit.  But that isn’t what I was created for, and it’s not what you were created for.

We have a Creator God as our Father, who loves us immensely, and has already done what was needed for us through His Son’s sacrifice on the cross. The boundary lines have already fallen for me in pleasant places, marked by the Cross to forever stake my place with Christ, and I will have a delightful inheritance with Him in heaven. I have been given all I need in Christ. Anything else here is just more grace. Anything else here is just His goodness poured out on a grateful broken sinner who even has to ask for eyes to recognize His gifts as good.

He gives His priceless gifts to a child who can’t appreciate them – not waiting until I can receive them well – and then walks with me so that I better understand what I have received.

That is grace.

Lord, I wish, oh how I wish, that I could believe this truly, from the depths of my soul. That I could trust that in everything, You are moving on my behalf – for my good and for the glory of Your Name and the expansion of Your kingdom. Please give me perspective, those Kingdom eyes that see You and Your ways and Your economy for what it truly is. Please continue to shine Your light on the ways that my vision is distorted by reason and culture and my lack of understanding.
And until my vision becomes actual sight, I pray that I would be able to step out, in the Holy Spirit’s power, in imperfect trust and imperfect faith, knowing that You are the Author and Perfector, and my job is just to respond and step. Thank You for Your faithfulness. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

(As the Lord would have it, as I was wrapping up this post today, I was reminded of the very reasons that I named this place A Beautiful Inheritance and how this fight to hold onto the truth that God is good and for me is at the heart of my journey, and I believe yours, too.  Because if we can really get this truth into our hearts, then we can stop our attempts to search for our own good in our self-sufficient ways and are freed up to do some pretty amazing things for God’s Kingdom, trusting that He is taking care of us while we give our lives for His cause and His people.

He has placed our boundary lines in pleasant places, and we have a delightful inheritance in Him. It is Truth. If it doesn’t feel that way, press into Him. If you feel unloved and unacceptable, press in all the more. Press in on the days that you feel are shot, that you’ve messed up too much, that you just need to go to bed and start over again tomorrow. Press in and find Him even there, in your worst failures. Because He walks through it all with us, and so that means there is value in it all, good in all of it. Because He is there. And He is Good.)

“If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” – Jeremiah 29:13

Prayers for my kids

Prayer

 

 

I wrote the post below last summer, choosing to keep it as a personal prayer for me instead of a public post. However, as I read over it again today, I am overjoyed with how the Lord has already begun to reveal Himself through His Spirit-inspired prayer for my family, and so I wanted to share as a statement of gratitude and rejoicing in the things He has done.

Since praying this, my sweet Natalie has accepted Jesus as her personal Savior, and evidence of His movement in her life has been amazing. And so I will continue to pray these things in faith, knowing that the Lord desires and delights to accomplish these things- calling my sweet Peter to Himself and continuing to change and orchestrate our lives in whatever crazy ways will reveal Him most.

Just this morning I was telling my husband how amazing it is that I absolutely LOVE being at home with my kids full-time. What was once a daunting, intimidating task (not to say that it isn’t still some days) has become one of my greatest joys and I have discovered new passions I didn’t know were there. The Lord continues to rock my world, confirming that He knows my heart so much better than I do.

So below is something I believe the Holy Spirit inspired me to write for my family, and I encourage you to find out what specifics He wants you to be asking Him for. God is the Giver of Good Gifts, and He will direct our hearts to His heart if we ask Him to. So we are just joining in and agreeing with Him for the things that He desires to do in our hearts and in our lives. It’s pretty incredible! His goodness amazes me.

“Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and Your dominion endures throughout all generations. The Lord is faithful in all His words and kind in all His works.” -Psalm 145:13

—
June 2, 2014
In one of those rare, quiet and still moments, I am watching from another room both my kids nibble on pieces of loaf bread. And in my heart, I am praying that they will hunger for real Bread. That I will be able to sit back and watch them feast on God’s Word and hunger for His Truth. That I will get to watch as they get acquainted more and more with God, and then one glorious day, choose to believe that they need Him as Savior and Lord.

Lord, I pray that You would call my babies to Yourself. That you would give them ears to hear Your voice, and hearts that are receptive to Your truth. Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the Word. Impress on my heart the importance and urgency of speaking Your Word to them every single day. Give me wisdom and fluency. Fill up my lack and do what is needed in me to overflow to them. Thank You for choosing me to be their mother. Give me courage to embrace this role and step into the authority that You have given me to guide them into Your Truth. Let them see me pursuing Your heart, being more concerned with knowing You than knowing about You. Show me how to abide and to know Your love that it can’t help but overflow to them. Your Word says that people will know us by our love. Help me to love them in such a way that they can’t help but know You in the process.

Thank You for the promise that it is You that works in me to will and to act according to Your good purpose. Show me Your plans for them and how to foster those plans, to support and encourage them to step into all that You have for them. Thank You for the truth that I can cling to that You are my competence and that I don’t have to rely on my own skills or abilities for this daunting task, but that You will equip me for everything that is needed through Your Spirit. Thank You that You are faithful to finish what You have started in me, that You will not leave me or forsake me. Thank You that You my ever-present help in times of trouble (and frustration and depression and anxiety and just being plain ole tired). Thank You that You are El Elyon, the Most High God, and that You are above every fear and obstacle and circumstance that claims it will keep me from the things that You are calling me to do, and You will see me through them. Thank You that You are my Hope that does not disappoint. Help me to fix my eyes on You and to run this race with endurance, giving me the wisdom to avoid the things that do not matter and the strength to throw off the sin that so easily entangles. Protect me from distractions that call me away from You and my family. Give me discernment to stay in turn with Your Holy Spirit, sensitive and connected. Remind me of the necessity of putting on the armor that You have given, so that I may stand firm in You against any attempts of the evil one. And then help me to stand firm, knowing that this is the most important work that I will ever be called to, and let me give myself fully to it, holding nothing back.

Thank You for changing my heart, and all the ways You will continue to change my heart. Thank You for awaken me to the ways that I have been misguided and deceived, and please continue to wake me up to Your truth and Your kingdom. You have been so faithful. Help me to cling to the ways that You have revealed Yourself faithful so that in moments of doubt, I still come to You. Transform our family for Your glory and Your purposes. I acknowledge, despite my deceitful heart, that You are the greatest treasure we can pursue. Help us to spend our lives doing that.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen.