My prayers today

Inspired by the blog post (linked at the bottom of this post) I wanted to share my prayers today for those that may be struggling with receiving all that God has for them in this specific season of life, in this specific place and time with its myriad of challenges and trials (myself included).

I pray we can give each other the freedom and grace to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to whatever we sense is right for our families in any given season, without having to wade through the disparaging looks and disapproving shakes-of-the-head from others who are just as desperately & imperfectly trying to make the right choices as well.

I pray we can throw off comparison and instead embrace the uniqueness of the specific equation the Lord has set before us, and live that out well and boldly and in enjoyment.

I pray that you will see the beauty in your specific story today, the one that God is authoring and orchestrating. I pray that you can sense His Presence and His absurdly extravagant love for you, and that He is desiring to draw you to Himself through whatever circumstances surround you. I pray for His peace for you.

I also pray that the Lord would cultivate His discipline and sense of authority in us, that we can choose the good and throw away the bad in every given opportunity and medium, that we can glean the benefits from media and recognize the ways that it can so easily pull us down as well.

I guess I relate to this post below for several reasons – the obvious being her self-identifying label as a ‘recovering perfectionist’. I also appreciate her bringing attention to the fact that there is an attraction and a real danger to the ‘pinterests’ of the world that put images in our heads (and hearts) that are unrealistic and quite possibly the biggest distractions from what we actually need to be putting our hands to (not to mention time, finances, and mental ascents). I’m not meaning to demonize pinterest – it has become a great keeper of recipes for me – but I also see how it can be a personal stumbling block,  and perhaps I am not alone in that.

Pinterest may help me become a better cook (I’m sure my husband would be appreciative), but Pinterest will never make me into someone that has a natural eye for fashion, can make a crafty squirrel from cotton balls and pipe cleaners, and will probably only ever show me what my house will NEVER look like. ever.

If I look at Pinterest or anything else for that matter, and I walk away thinking about all that I cannot do or have, and I’m not okay with that, then I need to stop looking. I need to be able to walk away from it (whatever the source may be) instead of allowing it to tell me something about myself that isn’t true. That I am somehow deficient. Missing out. Lacking (those lies of perfectionism creeping back in).

Let’s call that what it is really is – a direct assault on my Maker, as if He has somehow missed something when He was creating me and designing me for the role I was meant to fill.

What I can and cannot do was specifically designed for what God intends to do in and through my life. I pray that I will learn to embrace that fully, appreciating His design, trusting and reveling, even revel in His wisdom.

I pray that we can start to spot the lies that are thrown our way and bring them out into the light. God’s truth can always stand up under examination, and anything else has to flee and backdown against His Truth and in His Presence.

I also pray that we can stand firmly in the role and calling that God has placed us in, finding our security in Him, so that we can be excited and share the joy in others’ special giftings. What a blessing to be able to esteem all that God is doing in someone else’s life without fear of feeling it is somehow detracting from the special thing God is doing in me.

I could go on and on, but I’ll end this here with the link I referenced above:

http://asimplehaven.com/keeping-it-real-in-a-pinterest-world-on-justifying-my-choices

I would love to hear any thoughts or ways you may relate to either post if you’d like to share!

Lies of Perfectionism

(This post was written a while back – it’s taken a while to get it finalized.)
Y’all – I don’t even really know what to say about this.

I was just having a conversation with The Sweetness  while we were working through a tracing workbook together, and she seemed disappointed about her first diamond tracing. I told her she did a good job (it wasn’t very precise, but I thought she did well) and she put her pencil down and said “But it’s not perfect…”

Whaaa???

Seriously?

Here’s a little personal background information before I proceed, so that this makes a little bit more sense and why this statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Recently, the Lord has been showing me how I have this awful struggle with the lies of perfectionism. One of the lies I have believed is that I needed to be or do something in order to be “more” (more acceptable, more appealing, more loved, etc.) because I was not enough.

Perfectionism sets up a standard that I was never supposed to meet, keeps this unrealistic measuring stick in front of me, and dictates that I devote my life to trying.
The reward it offers: a daily serving of shame and self-condemnation.
The message it speaks: -“I don’t measure up, I am lacking. I am not enough. Keep trying. Keep doing. Keep fixing.” or “Don’t even bother. You can’t do it right. Give up.”
The focus: me.

Truthfully, these weeds are still planted in my heart and the Lord has begun a process of identifying and uprooting them, in His faithfulness. But I never would have imagined what unraveled this morning with my 3 year old daughter. She has become one of the biggest tools the Lord uses to show me more of Himself, myself, and pretty much anything else He wants to talk to me about.

So we proceeded to have a very Holy Spirit-led conversation about how her tracing doesn’t need to be perfect, that only Jesus is perfect and that we don’t have to be or do things perfectly. Jesus just asks us to be obedient & do the best with what we’ve been given, and He takes care of the results. And when we work within these parameters, it is beautiful (words to my soul, seriously).

I don’t know if this issue has always been there with Natalie and that my eyes are only opened to it now that the Lord is showing me my own struggle with perfectionism, or maybe this is a new phase for her.

Regardless, I am pretty sure I don’t use that term “perfect,” especially now, so I don’t think she got that vocabulary from me. However, I don’t underestimate how my nonverbal behaviors and responses may have encouraged frustration with something that is less than ‘ideal.’  I pray that I’ve never acted that way towards her, as though she wasn’t enough. (My heart sinks now at the thought of how these lies permeate my heart and overflow to the relationships around me.)  My succumbing to perfectionism is usually focused on myself and my actions. But she’s sooo smart and intuitive, and I know she picks up on subtle messages like this, to where she may be internalizing the way I treat myself and learning to do that, too.

Regardless of the source, this is craziness. I am SOOO thankful that the Lord is bringing all of this to light and that He promises to bring us through this. I’m SO thankful that I am not blind to both of our struggles with the lie that we need to be or do anything more than what and where we already and what He has already equipped us to do. He will continue to grow me and grow Natalie, and we can be okay with where we are today, in process.

(This also challenges the ways that I have misinterpreted seeking God’s excellence for perfection, but that is another post.)

“But now God has shown us a different way to heaven—not by “being good enough” and trying to keep his laws, but by a new way (though not new, really, for the Scriptures told about it long ago). Now God says he will accept and acquit us—declare us “not guilty”—if we trust Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, by coming to Christ, no matter who we are or what we have been like. Yes, all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious ideal; yet now God declares us “not guilty” of offending him if we trust in Jesus Christ, who in his kindness freely takes away our sins.“ – Romans 3:22-24, Living Bible

“But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“ – Ephesians 2:4-10

Thank You, Jesus, for showing me in a very real and personal way this morning how this awful deception threatens the legacy that I am passing down to my kids. I know that I will not parent them perfectly, and that lies like this will continue to creep into what I am living before them, but I thank You for Your faithfulness to keep Your Promise, that You and Your truth will be their beautiful inheritance, just like You are mine.

Please continue to teach me more of Your truth and help me to recognize it, throwing out anything else. Instead of allowing the lies of perfectionism to tell me that I don’t measure up to whatever standard the enemy or this world have projected and that I am rejected, give me the boldness and authority in You to tell those lies that they don’t measure up to Your Truth and in turn reject them.

Thank You for Your unfailing love that continually pursues me and my family. And that despite what these lies tell me, it’s not really about me or what I can do, but about You in me and what You want to do.  Amen.

Thanks for letting me share.

(Quick side-note: Since starting this post, I have also wondered how much of this struggle with wanting things to be ideal and perfect may come from the fact that we were originally intended for that, perfection, before sin and The Fall. And maybe there is still a part of us that expects it and longs for it because that was the original design. But instead of trying to create it here on earth, I need to be reminded that it will now be available for me in heaven, because of Jesus. And because of what He has done, I can rest in that and just let Him change me into who I’m supposed to be now, on this side of heaven.)

God’s Good Gifts

I think that most of my life I have been praying prayers and then avoiding God’s answers.

“Lord, grant me boldness.”
And then I shy away from the next ‘new’ thing along my path that requires change or stepping out of my comfort zone.

“Lord, give me the ability to see this person like you do.”
And then I resist the trial that offers brokenness, so that I can relate in empathy and compassion to those that are hurting around me, better understanding why they may lash out in anger or put up walls out of distrust.

“Lord, I want to fear You and not man.”
And I mourn the lack of acceptance and esteem that I receive from others, choosing to stay in self-pity, instead of allowing it to be a vehicle to reveal to me how I wrongly prioritize those things in my life and how God desires that I desire to please Him above all else.

I have been asking God to see His goodness in the land of the living, and then rejecting His good gifts that He offers me:

Discipline.
Brokenness.
Pointing out my sin so that I can accept His grace and forgiveness in it, and move past it.
Redemption.

I need kingdom eyes to recognize God’s gifts for what they are, kindness towards me.

“It’s Your kindness, Lord, that leads us to repentance.” -Kindness, Chris Tomlin

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” -Romans 2:4

The Lord, in His everlasting love and compassion for me, chooses to reveal my sin to me so that He can restore me to wholeness. He could leave me in my mess. He could leave me in deception and dysfunction, where I’ve grown accustomed to the dim lighting and cloudy view. It’s where I’ve been most comfortable, getting used to the scenery and losing sight of any other possible reality. But in His fierce love for me, He uses His Word, His Spirit, and His children to show me that there is more.

In His Kindness, He offers crushing blows to my pride, feeling like He is killing my very self. Which He is.
It feels personal. Because it is. Very personal.

This sin that I hold onto so tightly, wrapped in excuses and pretext, that has so tightly enmeshed itself with my identity, threatens to keep me back from the abundant life that Jesus offers me. It affects the way that I view myself, and the enemy whispers to my heart that this is just who I am – broken and incapable of being anything different.

And this is true -I am incapable of being anything different by myself – but the enemy presents this as the whole story.

But Praise Jesus it is not! There is more. There is Hope. That is just the beginning. My hopelessness is a needed ingredient for what is about to be revealed.

But the enemy doesn’t want me to turn the page, to see and focus on what God has done for me by sending His Son on the cross.

Jesus has extended salvation in the next life, and in this one, a salvation from the trap of sin.
Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I am now forgiven. I’ve been made new. I am wholly different.

It’s just the beginning.

So when sin is revealed to me, I can choose to see it as God’s loving kindness towards me and quickly agree with Him on what it is. The first step of repentance. And thank Him for eyes to recognize it for what it is. Because without Him, I don’t know how to distinguish good from bad.

My huge take-away:
The prison doors have been opened. It’s time for me to get up and allow Jesus to take off the grave clothes I’ve been wearing, and let me walk in this new life that He has given me. These grave clothes -the lies that still permeate my thoughts and my theology – that shroud my perspective and keep me believing that I am my old self. But I’m not! Hallelujah!

I am new – totally different. I am a new creation. The old has passed away. I now can choose life over death, truth over lies. I no longer have to fall into unhealthy behavioral patterns, pursue old ambitions, default to my flesh. I can choose to submit to the Holy Spirit and ask for help. For refreshment. For His eyes. For His heart. For His mind.

And He is faithful to give me, give us, His good gifts. He wants me to see things as He does, to desire what He desires, to think on things above, not on earthly things. He honors the requests because they echo His prayers for me.

But I also have to ask for eyes to recognize His answers for what they are – the trials that test my faith and refine me, the pruning that allows for greater growth and healthier spiritual fruit, and even the cross that He offers me daily. By taking up my cross, I am agreeing with God that my flesh must die in order for me to receive the full, abundant life He offers me today – through new mercies and through trusting in His ways, that they are good gifts.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.“ – James 1:17

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” -Matthew 7:11